Why Won’t They Just Do What I’m Asking?
How to help your child hear you and heal with assertive communication
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
Many of the parents I work with feel exhausted and frustrated by the constant power struggles with their child. They tell me things like:
“My child is so controlling.”
“They won’t listen unless I yell.”
“It’s like everything is a negotiation and I’m always losing.”
“They’re impossible!”
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. I completely understand, because I’ve been there too.
And here’s the tricky part: when we find ourselves locked in these patterns, especially when dealing with eating issues, anxiety, and depression, the most powerful shift doesn’t start with changing your child. It starts with changing yourself.
I know that can feel hard to hear; it was hard for me, too. But the paradox is this: the more I worked on my own communication and confidence, the easier it became to parent my child.
The big shift? Learning to use assertive communication instead of flipping between authoritarian (“Do it because I said so!”) and passive (“I just want you to be happy/healthy!”). This approach was exhausting, and by using it, I accidentally reinforced the very behavior I was trying to change. Oops!
The good news is that assertive communication is a skill, one we can learn, and it can completely change the dynamic in your home—it did for me!
The 3 Communication Styles Parents Use:
Authoritarian (controlling, harsh) Often delivered in a loud voice, with anger, yelling or threats.
You have to do this. Now.
You better fix that attitude right now.
I don’t want to hear it.
Passive (unclear, guilt-based) Often delivered in an aggrieved, wheedling tone, maybe even in tears.
Whatever/Fine.
I just want you to be happy/healthy.
I wish you would stop doing that.
Assertive (clear, calm, respectful) Delivered in a calm, confident voice with positive, confident body language.
You don’t want to. I understand. And I’m asking you to please follow through.
You don’t like this. I get it. And I’d like you to do it by 5 p.m. please.
Many of us swing between authoritarian and passive, meaning our kids never know what to expect. This inconsistency (technically called “intermittent rewards”) can leave kids feeling anxious or insecure, and it makes parenting through recovery from an eating disorder, anxiety, or other mental health challenge much harder.
Kids tend to respond to authoritarian and passive communication by becoming more defiant, withdrawn, or argumentative, especially during times of stress like eating, going to bed, putting their phones down, and doing their chores or homework.
That’s why learning assertive parenting skills is such a game-changer.
Assertive communication is rooted in confidence, clarity, and compassion. It’s about being kind and firm, respectful and clear. And yes, you can do both at the same time, even when your child is upset, anxious, or pushing back.
If you’re feeling stuck or hopeless right now, please know: this isn’t about being perfect. It’s about practice. With time and intention, you can change the pattern.
3 Steps to Begin Practicing Assertive Communication
1. Start with your body
Your child feels your energy before they hear your words. If you're anxious, angry, or unsure, your message won’t land. So, before speaking, ground yourself. Feel your feet on the floor. Soften your shoulders. Open your body, uncross your arms, and turn toward your child with courageous love in your heart. Speak slowly and with a calm, confident tone. Tone matters more than you think. Our kids are wired to read tone before content, just like they did when they were babies.
2. Be concise and direct
When tensions rise, many of us talk too much. We try to explain, justify, convince, or guilt-trip. But this often overwhelms kids and sparks more resistance. Lynn Lyons, an expert in childhood anxiety disorders, often advises parents who tend to do this to try to speak 80% less. Keep it short and clear. Here’s a helpful model:
“You [describe their feeling, desire, or action]. I understand. And I’m asking you to please [specifically state your request].”
This script balances empathy with expectations, something kids deeply need. It’s strategic and intentional. Your tone of voice will differentiate it from an authoritarian approach, and the words “you” and “I” will mean it’s not passive. Use the word “please,” not in a wheedling, aggrieved, or aggressive voice, but with calm dignity.
3. Practice active listening
Most of us listen to respond, not to understand. But when you shift into true listening mode, your child will feel it. Put down your phone. Turn off the TV. As they talk, resist the urge to correct or defend yourself.
Just notice:
“They’re feeling ______.” (sad, angry, frustrated, lonely, scared)
“Their body looks ______.” (tense, boneless, agitated)
“They want me to ______.”
Use these observations to keep your focus on your child and seek to understand their experience non-defensively. Then take a deep breath, nod with understanding and acceptance in your eyes, and return to your concise statement from above.
When they feel heard and understood, they’re far more likely to hear you.
♥️ Remember: understanding is not the same as agreeing. You can fully understand your child’s perspective and accept them exactly as they are while still upholding your expectations and boundaries.
Real-Life Examples of Assertive Parenting
“You don’t want to eat this. I understand. And I’m asking you to please sit at the table with us.”
“You hate that I’m nagging. I get it. And I need to leave now to get to work on time, so please put on your shoes.”
“You feel like your brother gets away with more. I hear you. I’m going to think carefully about that, but right now I’m asking you to please load the dishwasher.”
“You’re annoyed by my therapy-speak. I get it. And I’m going to ask you to please give me your phone so I can plug it in for the night.”
Assertive communication isn’t about being rigid or cold. It’s about creating a respectful, stable environment for your child, even and especially when they’re struggling.
You get to hold both your compassion and your boundaries at the same time.
You don’t have to choose between being a “soft” parent and a “strict” one. Assertive parenting is the middle path: clear, warm, steady, and deeply effective.
You’ve got this. And I’m here cheering you on every step of the way. Let me know if you’d like some help with this.
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
GUIDE + WORKBOOK: Speak with Strength and Kindness
Assertive Communication for Parents of Struggling Kids
Assertive communication helps you express your expectations and boundaries with clarity and compassion, without yelling, blaming, giving up, or over-explaining. This workbook will guide you through four core practices, each with a short lesson and hands-on activity to help you strengthen your confidence and connection with your child.