Why is talking about food and weight so hard?
Plus ideas for getting having good conversations about the tricky subjects ✨
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well! Today we’re going to talk about how to talk to your child about food and weight. Whether your child has disordered eating, an eating disorder, or just some strange and upsetting eating behaviors, talking about it with them is both important and tricky.
Talking about eating issues can be just as challenging and is as critical as talking to our kids about substance use and intimacy. We have tremendous influence, so we want to be thoughtful and intentional about bringing up sensitive subjects.
In a perfect world, food and weight wouldn’t be such hot-button issues in our households. But it is, mainly because of the culture in which we live. The fact is that we’re surrounded by alarming narratives about eating and weight, and this makes talking about these issues fraught.
You're not alone if you walk on eggshells or blow up about your child’s eating habits. I’ll give you some ideas for preparing for tricky conversations and handling them with as much grace as possible.
In my work as a parent coach, I hear parents worry about how their kids are eating in four main ways:
Too picky/not enough variety
Not eating enough/dieting for weight loss
Eating to the point of discomfort and/or in the apparent absence of hunger
Sneaking/lying about eating
I talked to a parent last week who can’t sleep because she’s worried about her 17-year-old’s binge eating and weight gain. On the same day, I spoke with a parent about her 12-year-old who forgets to eat; she can’t imagine how he’ll survive being away at summer camp. The day after, I spoke with a parent whose daughter refuses to come to the table and accuses her parents of violating her bodily autonomy when they encourage her to eat.
As parents, our worries about food and weight can seem endless and feel critical and urgent. But when we bring them to our kids, oh boy! It can be a disaster even if we mean well and try our hardest to be rational and non-shaming.
One challenge is that many of us have a complicated relationship with food and weight. After all, we grew up in a culture that demonizes food and criticizes people for their eating and weight. Studies show that more than three out of four women and many men have a disordered relationship with food, which is no surprise given the culture in which we live.
It’s not our fault that eating is so complicated, but we can make a difference for our kids. We can raise kids with a healthy relationship with food, but yes, it’s an uphill battle due to our culture.
When our kids have eating issues, it’s tempting to tell them what to do. However, it’s more effective if we first consider what’s going on with our own relationship with food and eating and what we’ve been modeling.
Our kids learn from what we do, not (unfortunately) what we say. Remember, most of us have a disordered relationship with food, and it’s not our fault. But it is our responsibility to look at our behavior before trying to change our children’s behavior.
Do you enjoy food? Are you comfortable eating a wide variety of food? Do you feed yourself adequate meals regularly throughout the day? Fundamentally, do you feel stressed and worried about how you eat and what you weigh, or relaxed and confident?
No, you don’t have to solve all your own issues to be a great parent. You’re already a great parent! But if you’re worried about your child’s eating behavior, start with yourself wherever you are and with deep self-compassion. This is hard! Begin healing your own relationship with food. Reflect on your beliefs and stay curious about why you believe what you believe.
Now get curious about how your child feels and what they believe. Curiosity is the key to difficult conversations, while certainty usually leads to blow-ups and shut-downs. When you’re in a place of curiosity, that’s when you’re ready to talk about tricky subjects like food and weight.
Listen more than you speak, and ask more than you tell. Remember that listening and understanding your child is not the same as agreeing with them, but doing this will increase your child’s ability to hear what you have to say when the time is right.
Talking about eating is not a one-time situation but an ongoing conversation. I know this is hard, and I’m rooting for you! Let me know if you’d like help having more productive conversations about food, weight, and eating with your child.
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
Coaching notes
Here are three stories from the last few weeks of my coaching sessions with parents who have kids with eating and body image issues:
My client was thrilled when she tried my approach to panic attacks and her daughter reached out for a comforting hug instead of stomping away and slamming the door.
A couple I’ve been working with to prepare for their child’s return from residential treatment welcomed their son home and said supporting his recovery is going more smoothly than they expected because of the new parenting skills they have.
I helped my client understand the difference between setting boundaries and controlling her child’s behavior, and why and how to hold compassionate parenting boundaries even (especially) when her child complains.
A Strategic Guide To Talking About Eating
You want to raise a happy, healthy kid who eats when hungry, enjoys a variety of food, and stops eating when they’re comfortably full. But your child has some worrying eating behaviors, and you feel like you’re either biting your tongue or losing your temper. It’s not how you want to parent, but you don’t know what else to do.
Parenting a child with eating issues is hard, but you have everything it takes to make a difference.
You want to raise a child who eats normally, enjoys food, and doesn’t turn meals into a battleground. To do that, you need to know how to talk about food and weight so they can learn to regulate their eating behavior and relax around food. Like Goldilocks, you’re looking for that “just right” solution to your child’s eating patterns.
This printable workbook provides you with information, ideas, evidence-based solutions, and actionable steps that you can use today to start having tricky but essential conversations with your child about food and weight. With practice, you can stop walking on eggshells and blowing up about eating behaviors and start enjoying meals with your family.
I’ve created an 8-page printable guide and workbook based on personal practice and my 1:1 coaching work with more than 100 families to help you navigate difficult conversations about eating, food, and weight with your child. It includes eight steps to handle these conversations and questions to work through.
Click on the button below to get your printable guide and start talking about this tricky subject with your child with more confidence today.