Why does she say ‘no’ to all my great ideas?

Why kids say 'no' and how to cope

Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!

Julie just made a big announcement to her kids: they’re going to Europe this summer! This vacation has taken years of saving and planning, and Julie is positive her kids will be as thrilled as she is. But instead, her 17-year-old says “Nah. I don’t wanna go.” 

Julie feels taken aback and immediately jumps in to defend her plan. “But you’ll get to see all the sights,” she says. “It will be good to get out of town and experience all the delicious food and stay in fabulous hotels!” 

But her daughter shakes her head, rolls her eyes, and digs her heels in further. “No, it won’t,” she says firmly. 

Exasperated, Julie huffs “well you’re going and that’s final!” and storms out of the room. She feels defeated and angry that all her careful planning was for nothing. She worries that her kids are ungrateful and wonders where she went wrong.

While you might not be planning a trip to Europe, maybe you’ve experienced something similar when you suggest your child eats breakfast, limits TikTok, or goes to sleep before 2am. No matter what you suggest, it’s an immediate ‘no.’ 

It’s so frustrating when kids say ‘no’ because we know our advice can help them. So we desperately try to make them see all the wonderful reasons why they should say ‘yes.’ 

We say things like:

• You have to eat breakfast or you won’t have the energy to get through school. 

• Come on, you have to admit that TikTok is making you feel bad about yourself!

• You need at least 8 hours of sleep or you’ll fall behind in school.

We assume that when our child says ‘no,’ our job is to convince them to change their mind and agree that we’re right. But if you’ve ever tried doing this, you’ve probably noticed that it doesn’t work very well. In fact, most of the time it leads to resistance and frustration for both you and your child. 

We find ourselves locked in a battle of wills over breakfast, TikTok, and sleep hygiene even though we know we’re right! Argh! 

But here’s the truth. And believe me, it took me a while to figure this out. Kids can only say YES if parents give them room to say NO. 

As long as we jump on our kid’s ‘no’ and try to convince them that our idea is great, we get tangled in arguments that take us farther and farther from our goals. You can’t force your child to believe they’ll feel better if they eat breakfast, avoid TikTok, and get enough sleep. And the more you try, the more they resist.

This happens not because our kids are being difficult, but because their brains are wired to build their identity as someone who is separate and different from their parents. When they say ‘no,’ they’re asserting their autonomy and claiming their identity. 

When we jump in and try to change their ‘no’ to ‘yes’ by telling them why our idea is so great (like the bulleted arguments above), we accidentally threaten their autonomy. Even though what we’re saying is true (and part of them knows it!), they feel compelled to fight back, and you know how that goes. 

Suddenly the arguments are no longer about breakfast, TikTok, and sleep, but about their right to disagree with us and make up their own minds about what’s true for them.

This is why if we want our kids to take us up on our great ideas, one of the worst things we can do is bring out all the evidence for why they should agree with us. Instead, we should give them room to explore their ‘no’ while holding onto our own boundaries and beliefs.

✨Listening to your child’s opinion without argument is not the same as agreeing with them.

Exploring their ‘no’ doesn’t mean you cancel the trip to Europe or don’t expect them to eat breakfast before they leave for school. It means you listen to your child’s complaints respectfully. 

Think of yourself as a reporter who is trying to get the full story rather than a lawyer who is trying to convince the jury.  

The results are surprising. Most of the time when our kids say ‘no,’ there’s a part of them that agrees with us. They just need space to do it on their own terms and without sacrificing their autonomy and identity in the process. 

As you know, the best ideas are the ones we believe are our own. When we give kids space to explore their ‘no,’ they hold onto their self-respect and are more likely to do what we suggest and maybe even thank us later.

Letting your child explore their ‘no’ while holding your boundaries can be challenging. Let me know if you’d like some help!

Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org

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