When Our Best Intentions Backfire 🔥
Success lies not in our intentions but in the outcomes of our best efforts
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
Last week several of my clients asked me about “the eating disorder voice.”
This is a technique commonly recommended to parents who have kids with an eating disorder. It’s intended to help parents uphold compassion for the child who has an eating disorder.
It’s got great intentions, but often my clients’ kids blow up when their parents say “That’s just your eating disorder voice talking.” These loving parents are simply following common advice, trying to maintain compassion and empathy, but it enrages their children.
What’s going on?
Addressing “the eating disorder voice” is intended to be a compassionate response to disordered behavior. However, often the outcome is that kids feel invalidated. And feeling invalidated is a superhighway to meltdowns and blowups.
As with so many things in parenting, success lies not in our intentions but in the outcomes of our best efforts.
If your child reliably blows up when you’re desperately trying to calm them down, there’s a good chance they feel invalidated. This triggers their threat response system and they instantly move from upset to meltdown or blowup.
Here’s an example:
You put a plate in front of your child. They shove it away and say “I don’t want this!”
Afraid that things are going sideways and desperate to get them back on track, you say “There’s no need to be upset. That’s just your eating disorder voice talking.”
You’re trying to be reasonable and compassionate. But despite your best intentions, the outcome is that your child is enraged.
“You’re so controlling!” they scream. “Just leave me alone! Back off! I’m so sick of this!”
Red-faced and panting, they jump up and say what you were desperately hoping wouldn’t come next, “You can’t make me!”
What happened? You were trying to help, but your child went from upset to blowup in a heartbeat. Yikes!
When our kids are upset, we naturally want to soothe them.
To do this, many of us tell them there’s no reason to be upset.
We try to convince them that they should not feel upset.
We tell them they aren’t really upset, it’s just their eating disorder voice that’s upset.
But telling a child they shouldn’t feel upset backfires. Instead of calming down, they feel unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. They feel invalidated rather than accepted.
The path to helping our kids calm down when they’re upset is not telling them how they should feel, but acknowledging what’s upsetting and affirming that they make sense to us. This is validating rather than invalidating.
Invalidating: There’s no need to be upset. That’s just your eating disorder talking.
Validating: You don’t like this. I get it.
This switch in tactics has a big impact because when we validate our kids, they naturally move from feeling threatened and agitated to calm and safe.
To be clear:
Validation is acknowledgement and affirmation of your child’s feelings. It is not the same as praise or agreement. You can validate your child’s feelings without agreeing with their thoughts or behaviors.
Validating your child’s feelings doesn’t mean abandoning your expectations and boundaries. In fact, when combined with validation, your expectations and boundaries are a lot more powerful.
We all fall into habits of well-intentioned but unproductive tactics to help our kids calm down. Parenting is about practice, not perfect. Let me know if you’d like some help with this.
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
How To Stop Meltdowns & Blowups
You’re trying to speak calmly and clearly to your child, but still they have dramatic meltdowns and blowups. This guide and workbook will help you change your tactics to create big changes in your child’s behavior.