When feelings take over
Helping a child with their feelings of anger and frustration
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
Today I want to talk about when our kids have angry outbursts, explosions, and tantrums. Most of us expect toddlers to tantrum, but when it happens with older kids, teens, and even young adults, it can be surprising and hard to handle.
Maybe you’ve never thought of what your older child is doing as a tantrum, but humans of all ages throw tantrums, which are defined as an uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration. We all get frustrated, but the difference with a tantrum is that it feels out of control.
Tantrums are hard for parents to handle, but even worse, they can lead to dangerous situations when the person having them is older (and bigger) than 5 years old. When not managed, they can degrade the parent-child relationship and create lasting harm.
Also, helping our kids learn to manage their emotions rather than being taken over by them with a tantrum is an important part of our role as parents.
Tantrums seem to come out of nowhere and can take your breath away. I know how disorienting it is to be doing an everyday task with your child when suddenly they snap. It’s enough to give you whiplash!
If your child is struggling with their mental health, particularly an eating disorder, these tantrums can have a negative impact on meals. You just want to sit down and enjoy a meal with your family, then suddenly things go sideways and everything seems like it’s falling apart. Your dream of an idyllic family meal ends up feeling terrible for everyone.
While we can’t prevent every tantrum, how we respond to them can make the difference between a category 5 hurricane that wipes everything out and a storm that comes and goes with little damage and disruption.
How we respond to our kids' tantrums can change the conditions enough to reduce the intensity.
One of the most important and challenging things to do when your child has a tantrum is to keep your own nervous system regulated. Often when a child tantrums, parents gets really (understandably) upset and may even end up tantruming back.
However, no matter how dysregulated a child gets, we must stay steady and hold onto our own tempers. I know from experience how hard this is, but we must stay steady because our kids can’t be more regulated than we are.
We can’t ask our kids to regulate their emotions if we aren’t regulating our own. Staying regulated doesn’t mean emotionally disengaging or ignoring the tantrum, it means we remain actively engaged with our child and are attuned to their needs while they are feeling big feelings. (EEK! I know!)
When we stay regulated, we can help our child feel their feelings of anger and move through them without becoming destructive.
There’s a big difference between feelings and behavior. All feelings can be accepted, but behaviors can cause damage.
Staying regulated when someone is losing their temper takes practice and effort. It’s OK and normal if it’s hard for you. And remember that you don’t have to do this perfectly to make progress!
I know you are already working so hard, so if your child’s anger is causing a lot of disruption in your home, please consider seeking support. Feel free to reach out if you’d like help figuring out some of the options for your unique family and situation.
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
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Masterclass: How to De-Escalate Tantrums
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