What To Do When Your Child Says, “I’m Disgusting”
Negative self-talk can feel like a wall between you and your child, but there are gentle, effective ways to break through.
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
If you’re parenting a child who’s struggling with anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, or body image concerns, you’re not alone, and you’re not powerless either.
One mom I work with shared a moment that might feel familiar: “It’s as if we’re trapped in a cycle,” she said. “We make a little bit of progress in recovery, and then the negative self-talk ramps up and we’re right back where we started.”
Research shows that negative self-talk is deeply connected to eating disorders, and the more intense it is, the more challenging recovery can be. Critical inner dialogue feeds into anxiety around eating, weight, and control. It’s the mind’s attempt to manage fear, especially fear of the unknown.
Hearing your child speak harshly about themselves can be heartbreaking for a parent. It’s natural to want to jump in and reassure them, “You’re beautiful!” or “That’s not true!” but unfortunately, that approach often backfires. Trying to talk someone out of their negative self-talk tends to increase anxiety, not reduce it.
So what can you do?
While you can’t erase your child’s self-critical thoughts, you can become a steady, supportive presence who models self-compassion, sets clear boundaries, and helps them feel seen and safe. This approach takes practice, especially because it’s so different from what most of us were taught growing up. But it’s a powerful way to interrupt the cycle and support healing.
Here are a few ways to start:
1. Gently notice patterns of negative self-talk.
The first step to solving any problem is to notice that it’s happening. It’s tempting to jump in and correct your child’s negative self-talk, but instead, begin gently naming it when it happens. For example, you can say “it sounds like you don’t like how you look right now,” or “you’re feeling bad about your body right now.” When we name the things that terrify us most, we bring them out of the shadows and into the light, beginning the healing process.
2. Understand what’s behind the words.
Negative self-talk is often rooted in anxiety, not necessarily about the present moment, but about what might happen in the future. It’s rarely about a single pound or a one more bite. More often, it’s about fear: “What if I gain more?” “What if I’m a failure?” A hallmark of anxiety is that it’s always racing ahead, time-traveling to a terrible imagined future. Trying to change your child’s mind about what they look like right now often backfires because they are actually more worried about the future. Recognizing this can help you respond with empathy instead of logic.
3. Resist the urge to argue or convince.
It’s tempting to counter your child’s comments with counter-facts or compliments, but debating the details reinforces anxious thinking. When you fight with anxiety, you’re essentially giving it a stage to stand on. It will leap into action and describe in great detail a terrible imagined future. Instead, shift your focus from the content of what your child is saying to the pattern of anxiety underneath it, and keep grounded in the present feelings (not “facts”) as much as possible.
4. Validate the feelings, not the “facts.”
You can offer comfort without agreeing with the harsh inner critic. Say things like, “I can see this is really hard for you right now,” or “I get it; you’re really upset.” Keep your comments focused on feelings, not “facts,” and rooted in the present, remembering that anxiety wants to leap ahead. It imagines the future as a way to avoid feeling bad in the present. Instead of arguing, which supports avoidance and the anxiety cycle, help your child name and feel their feelings right now. Validation creates connection and trust, two ingredients that are essential for long-term healing.
5. Set consistent, compassionate boundaries.
Boundaries are an act of love. You might say, “You get to have all your feelings, but I notice I’m getting dysregulated, so I’m going to take a break.” Or, “It feels like we’re going in circles here, so let’s take a break and do something else, then come back and try talking about this again.” Keep your boundaries clear, calm, and confident so they become a source of safety for your child’s anxious brain. If you do this, your child will learn to set compassionate boundaries in their own mind when they’re stuck in a cycle of negative self-talk.
Parenting through negative self-talk isn’t easy, but your calm, steady presence is a powerful anchor. You don’t have to fix the thoughts, just walk beside your child as they learn to manage them. Every small step counts. Let me know if you’d like some help with this.
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
When Your Child Says, “I’m Disgusting,” How Do You Respond?
Negative self-talk is one of the toughest parts of eating disorder recovery, and one of the hardest for parents to hear.
This 12-page printable guide and workbook gives you five practical, compassionate steps to stay grounded and supportive in those moments. You'll learn how to recognize the signs, respond without reinforcing harmful thoughts, and create a safe space for healing. Reflective prompts and an action-focused worksheet will help you put these strategies into practice right away.