What to Do When Dinner Goes Off the Rails

You’re not alone. Here's how to help your child—and yourself—regulate at the table.

Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well.

When emotions run high at the dinner table, eating becomes difficult for everyone. The quicker you can help your family return to a calmer, more connected state, the better things go, but that’s no small feat, especially if your child has an eating disorder, anxiety, body image issues, or other mental health challenges.

When we’re emotionally regulated, we feel safe, grounded, and available to each other. That’s when mealtimes can feel peaceful, even if little bumps happen along the way.

But in a high-tension household facing eating issues, it doesn’t take much, a comment, a certain food, or even just being asked to come to the table, for emotions to spiral. And when that happens, the dinner table quickly becomes the last place anyone wants to be.

But there are ways you can bring things back into balance.

One thing to remember: emotions are contagious, especially in families. One person’s distress can easily ripple through the whole table, like dominoes toppling one after another.

And here’s the truth: getting back to eating will be hard unless a parent takes on the task of regulating their own nervous system and sharing their calm, engaged state with everyone else, a process called co-regulation.

Because emotional dysregulation is contagious, but so is emotional regulation.

It’s tempting to respond to your family’s dysregulation by telling everyone to “calm down and eat already!”, but that rarely works. When emotions are high, it’s natural to want to race to fix it.

But the first thing to do is slow things down and work on restoring your own feelings of calm confidence.

“With people, fast is slow and slow is fast.” -Stephen R. Covey

When things start getting tense at the table, here’s how to change the tone:

1. Find the pattern

It’s natural to want to move quickly from stress to resolution, but urgency often backfires when it comes to emotions. Instead, pause and observe. Stop the clock ticking in your head and breathe. Take a virtual step back and look for the emotional patterns at play.

This is the first step to regulating your own nervous system, which is essential to downshifting tension at the table.

For example, if your child blurts out, “I hate potatoes,” zoom out. What’s the bigger pattern here beyond the food? Translating details to a broader pattern is a key skill in getting back to balance.

Maybe there’s a pattern like this: your child complains about food on days they’ve been to therapy. You want to avoid their complaints, so you put a lot of effort into choosing a meal that won’t trigger them.

When they inevitably complain anyway, your fear rises like a tidal wave, instantly flooding you. You look to your partner, hoping for backup, but he doesn’t seem to be paying attention, which turns your fear into anger. Your younger child senses the storm brewing and bursts into tears.

These moments aren’t just about potatoes; they’re about relational patterns and emotional energy. Focus on the dynamics, not the details. Arguing about potatoes without regulating the emotional tone at the table is unlikely to be productive.

2. Look for connection

Connection is the first step to helping our child feel more regulated, but when stress is high, it’s easy to fall into reactions that unintentionally widen the gap. We might say something like, “Just eat your potatoes, they’re good for you,” in hopes of smoothing things over and moving on quickly.

But when we try to sidestep feelings, we unintentionally deepen dysregulation. The only real way to move forward is through emotional connection.

Trying to change your child’s mind when they’re upset is disconnecting and therefore dysregulating. That’s why it’s unlikely to get good results.

The first step to connection is making sure your child feels seen, heard, and understood. Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, you can still reflect their reality with compassion and empathy.

Try saying, “It sounds like you’re not happy that I made potatoes tonight,” or “I hear you: you’re not in the mood for potatoes right now.” Acknowledging your child’s reality is essential to connecting with them when they’re emotionally dysregulated.

3. Hold the boundary

Connecting with your child isn’t the end. As the parent, it’s your role to set and uphold boundaries at the table. You can be both firm and kind:

“I get that you're not thrilled about the potatoes tonight, and I’m open to talking about options for tomorrow, but this is what’s for dinner tonight.”

There’s no need to get pulled into debates or persuading your child that potatoes are tasty. The more you defend your right to parent, the more dysregulated everyone becomes.

State your boundaries clearly, calmly, and confidently.

Avoid defending your boundary or demanding that your child meet it. A boundary is yours, not theirs. When you find yourself arguing, commanding, or raising your voice, you’re probably emotionally dysregulated, and that means your child is likely to remain emotionally dysregulated.

On the other hand, when you state your boundaries while staying calm, confident, and regulated, you’re sharing your emotional regulation with your child.

4. Take a break if needed

If the emotional temperature is rising and you can’t regulate your nervous system enough to maintain a calm, confident tone, it may be wise to pause the meal entirely. I know it feels as if you must just push through and keep going, but if you can’t regulate yourself, your child will stay dysregulated, too.

A well-timed break can protect relationships and prevent deeper disconnect.

A break is usually 20–30 minutes, long enough to regulate your nervous system, but short enough to avoid derailing dinner entirely. Let everyone know it’s a regulation break, set a time to return, and encourage activities that help everyone reset.

If this happens regularly, get support and coaching to help you regulate your nervous system at the table. Don’t worry—when you learn the skills to stay regulated, things will get easier. You’ve got this!

I know it’s natural to focus on the potatoes and your child’s reactions to them, but when you regulate yourself, you’ll be empowered to connect and hold boundaries even in the tensest moments. Let me know if you’d like some help with this!

Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org

GUIDE + WORKBOOK: Tension At The Table

How to practice emotional co-regulation to reduce tension at the table

Mealtimes don’t have to be battlegrounds. This guide and workbook gives you practical strategies to stay steady, reduce conflict, and create a more emotionally supportive environment for your child and for yourself. These simple, actionable tools will help you co-regulate with your child and bring more peace and connection to mealtimes.