Try This If You're At The End Of Your Rope
Why punishments and rewards aren't working and what to do instead
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
If you’re parenting a child with anxiety, depression, body image issues, or an eating disorder, I’m sure you’ve tried everything you can think of to help. Maybe you’ve taken away their phone when they skip meals. Maybe you’ve offered rewards when they meet a goal. Maybe you’ve tried laying down the law with new rules or consequences.
These are all common approaches—after all, most traditional parenting advice centers on punishment and reward. It’s how most of us were “motivated” by our parents.
But here’s the truth: when it comes to mental health recovery and the hard work of helping your child change their behavior, these approaches can backfire.
Let’s talk about why, and what to do instead.
Why Punishments and Rewards Often Make Things Worse
Many parents turn to punishments or “consequences” to deter disordered behaviors like spending the day in bed, avoiding school, or not eating. The logic makes sense: if a child experiences something negative after doing something harmful, they’ll stop, right?
Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way.
Punishment, whether it’s taking away privileges, scolding, or even expressing disappointment, often leads to shame, secrecy, and resistance.
And that’s a big problem when you’re trying to support a child in recovery. It makes it more likely your child will hide and conceal their behavior, making it harder to support them or intervene.
On the flip side, rewards can also be tricky. While it might feel helpful to offer a treat for finishing a meal or attending therapy, science shows that rewards can reduce a child’s intrinsic motivation, their own internal drive to recover.
When a child does something just to earn approval or a prize, it can feel like they’re doing it for you, not for themselves. That can erode their sense of autonomy, which is essential for long-term recovery.
What Actually Helps: Boundaries Rooted in Connection
The most powerful way you can support recovery is by deepening your connection with your child while also strengthening their sense of autonomy and identity.
This is where boundaries come in, but not the kind of “boundaries” that are really just disguised punishments.
Real boundaries are about your behavior, not your child’s. They’re not about controlling your child or shaping outcomes. They’re about showing up consistently, calmly, and clearly. They’re about you choosing how you will act in difficult moments.
Let’s break it down:
Punishment: “If you yell at me, I’ll take your phone.”
Reward: “If you use a calm voice, I’ll let you stay up late.”
Boundary: “I don’t like being yelled at, and I’m going to wait until you can lower your voice to continue discussing this.”
See the difference? The boundary is about you choosing how you will respond to your child’s behavior, calmly and consistently. And that difference is everything.
How Boundaries Support Recovery (Without Enabling)
Parents often ask: If I’m not punishing, rewarding, or controlling my child’s disordered behavior, what do I actually do?
Great question.
The truth is, short of medical interventions in extreme cases, you can’t control what your child does with their body. But you can control how you respond to disordered behaviors like staying up all night and sleeping all day or acting out in restaurants. You can avoid enabling or accommodating disordered behavior.
An important difference between boundaries and punishments is that punishments are often given in the heat of the moment, which reinforces the chaos that drives disordered behavior.
Boundaries, on the other hand, are grounded in your calm nervous system and communicated without drama or shame.
Most importantly, they show strength and demonstrate what consistent, respectful communication looks like. After all, that’s what we want our kids to do, and it starts with us.
Real Parent Story: Bridget and Tom
Bridget and Tom are parents I’ve been working with, and like many, they started with punishments and rewards to help their daughter Lex recover. “We were trying everything, from taking away her phone to rewarding her for every bite,” Bridget said. “But it always ended in conflict, and nothing changed.”
They tried setting boundaries, but realized they were still trying to control Lex’s behavior through subtle punishments and incentives. That’s when they made a key shift: they stopped focusing on Lex’s actions and started focusing on their own.
“It was humbling,” Bridget shared. “Controlling myself feels harder than trying to control her, but it’s working. She’s resisting less, and I think she feels more secure knowing what to expect from us.”
The Takeaway
If you take one thing from this email, let it be this: Boundaries work better than punishment or rewards—but only when they’re truly about your behavior, not your child’s.
Discipline strategies based on control can undermine recovery. But grounded, clear boundaries rooted in respect and connection can help your child feel safe and supported while also protecting your own well-being.
This shift takes time, intention, and often some guidance. Let me know if you’d like some help with this!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
GUIDE + WORKBOOK Autonomy Supportive Parenting
How to help your child feel capable, respected, and internally motivated rather than pressured or controlled
This workbook will guide you in building trust, setting thoughtful boundaries, and responding in ways that honor your child’s autonomy while still offering the structure they need. With simple practices and reflection prompts, you’ll learn how to stay connected even in the hard moments and become a steady source of encouragement on your child’s path to healing.