When It Feels Like You Have No Choice
Ideas about the manipulation dynamic and what you can do about it
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well.
Many parents who have kids with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and other mental health issues tell me they feel manipulated into doing things they don’t want to do.
This feeling is deeply unsettling, exhausting, demoralizing, and distressing. You might feel manipulated or controlled if you say things like:
I have to _________ or my child will/won’t _________
I have no choice; I have to _________
I don’t want to, but if I don’t _________ my child will/won’t _________
My kid makes me _________
I hate _________ but I have to do it or _________
Your child might use tantrums, negotiation, arguments, crying, stubbornness, guilt-tripping, defiance, and deception to try and get their way. This may leave you feeling powerless, anxious, and depressed.
Feeling manipulated means you’re in a manipulation dynamic. It’s important to interrupt this dynamic for everyone’s sake. You can do this!
You see, manipulation is not a solo activity: two people are involved. Yes, your child makes demands and tries to get their way. But you have independence and agency. You always have a choice about how you respond.
If you are frequently changing your thoughts, feelings, and behavior in response to your child’s demands, you may be in a manipulation dynamic.
While it’s natural to think that your child has to change for this dynamic to change, the beauty of dynamics is that when one person changes it completely disrupts the cycle.
Change begins with you.
The first step is to see what’s happening as a dynamic involving both of you. This empowers you to change your part of the pattern. The next step is to learn how to make active, strategic choices about how you think, feel, and behave so you are unmanipulatable.
When you change how you respond to your child, change happens, and it can happen fast.
If you’d like to explore this idea and create a strategy for making changes, let me know!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
Coaching Notes
Here are some stories from the last few weeks of my coaching sessions with parents who have kids with anxiety, eating, and body image issues:
My client was stuck in a manipulation dynamic with her young adult daughter. The pattern was very sticky and she felt hopeless. But with a solid strategy and after practicing with me she stopped engaging in the dynamic. Things she never thought would budge are starting to change!
I helped my clients whose toddler son was showing some anxious eating behaviors create a feeding plan that works for their busy lives and temperaments. Together, they’re working smarter, not harder, and their son is already showing signs of reduced anxiety at mealtimes.
How To Be Unmanipulatable
Help your child by changing how you respond to the manipulation dynamic. This two-page printable gives you a strategy for interrupting established patterns and holding your ground in high-stakes situations. Following these steps will make life easier and more peaceful for everyone. You’ll also feel more connected and confident.
Paid Subscribers: Click the button below to get your printable and start parenting with more confidence today.