The Surprising Way We Can Help Kids Make Better Choices
How to honor your child’s autonomy even/especially when you don't like their choices
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
This week I want to talk about autonomy, and the seemingly impossible task of honoring your child’s autonomy when you think they’re making choices you think are unhelpful or even harmful.
When we see our kids make questionable choices, we want to intervene quickly and efficiently to help them make better choices and meet their goals.
For example:
Your child has big dreams for college, but they aren’t turning in their assignments and their grades are slipping.
They feel guilty about binge eating, but refuse to eat regular meals and snacks, which leads to binge eating.
Your child is lonely, but they are afraid to go to school because they don’t think anyone likes them.
In all of these situations, the solution seems simple. We’re tempted to say things like:
“You have to turn in your assignments and get good grades or you’ll never go to your dream college.”
“You have to eat when I tell you to or you’ll binge eat.”
“You have to go to school or you’ll never make friends.”
The solution seems so simple: tell your child what to do and why they should do it and they’ll meet their goals.
This approach seems rational, but you’ve probably noticed that it doesn’t work as well as we think it will.
That’s because even when our advice is correct, telling our kids what they have to do threatens their sense of autonomy, and this increases feelings of resistance and the likelihood of becoming stuck and counterproductive.
Unfortunately, when we come on too strong, it makes our kids less likely to do the hard work of changing their behavior to meet their goals, and that’s a bummer for everyone involved.
One of the first things to notice about the parental advice above is that it all begins with “You have to.” Sentences that start with these words are like kryptonite to internal motivation because they remove the sense of autonomy and choice.
Here are some common phrases to avoid when you want to help your child make better choices:
You have to
You should
You need to
You must
Instead of telling your child what they should do when they have a problem, first work to understand and validate their feelings, thoughts, and opinions exactly as they are right now.
Believe me, I know how hard this is.
When I’m watching my kid struggle with the gap between a goal and her behavior, I need to listen more than I speak, which is so hard, because I have a lot to say!😜
Instead of telling our kids what they should do, we want to understand what’s driving them and help them explore how and why they’re making choices. When we do this, we help them claim their autonomy, which is essential to making productive choices.
Meanwhile, we can provide more support and structure for them. For example, if they have academic goals, we can establish protected study times and offer tutoring and other resources. If they have eating issues we can provide regular, structured meals in a supportive, positive environment.
Giving your child autonomy as well as support and structure is essential to helping them achieve their goals and feel good about themselves.
Look, kids will continue to make questionable choices because that’s human, but you’re more likely to see them learn and grow from their mistakes if you honor their autonomy while providing the support and structure they need.
Balancing autonomy with treatment for issues like eating disorders, OCD, and anxiety is extra hard. Let me know if you’d like to find out how I can give you the information and support to succeed!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
Coaching Notes
Here are some stories from the last few weeks of my work with parents who have kids with anxiety, eating, and body image issues:
I supported my clients in exploring their differences of opinion about how to approach their son’s eating disorder treatment. While they still disagree about many things, they now have a printed list of what they do agree on and reference it when things get heated. This calms everything down and gets them back on track.
I helped my clients understand how their well-meaning attempts to make their daughter feel better was accidentally making her feeling misunderstood, trapped, and angry. Now they’re working on helping her feel understood, safe, and loved even while upholding difficult boundaries and expectations during treatment.
I wrote about my favorite books for parents who have kids with eating disorders. If you’d like to take a look, you can do so here.
Understanding Your Child Even When You Disagree
When kids have anxiety, OCD, eating disorders, and other mental health concerns we need to maintain high standards, expectations, and boundaries, but at the same time we want to understand their opinions, wishes, and desires. You can begin navigating this tricky balance with this 10-page guide and workbook.
Paid Subscribers: Click the button below to get your printable and start parenting with more confidence today.