The Fine Line Between Support And Control
Being intentional about our parenting approach helps kids thrive
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
Today I want to talk about parental control vs. parental support.
It can be really tricky to tell them apart, and both are coming from the same loving part of us that wants to help our kids be healthy, safe, and take good care of themselves and others.
We want our children to show age-appropriate signs of responsibility, independence, self-regulation, and decision-making. We want our kids to feel deeply connected to and trust us.
A supportive parent works towards this by doing things like:
Upholding reasonable expectations and limits
Encouraging problem-solving
Allowing emotional expression
Supporting interests
Encouraging independence
Offering guidance and support
Letting kids learn from mistakes
Maintaining interpersonal boundaries
Unfortunately, this can get really tricky when we’re navigating something like an eating disorder, anxiety, OCD, or depression. It’s easy for our natural desire to support our kids to veer into control, and it can be hard to tell the difference!
Controlling parenting is something we do naturally and automatically when we’re alarmed by our child’s behavior and want to help them avoid negative consequences.
To try and help our child, we might find ourselves:
Applying inconsistent and confusing punishments
Giving unwanted advice
Dismissing kids’ feelings
Imposing preferences
Micromanaging behavior and invading privacy
Nagging, yelling, and criticizing
Rescuing kids from their mistakes
Over-functioning
Helping kids avoid developmentally appropriate, reasonable activities
It’s entirely understandable for us to lean into control when trying to keep our kids safe in an unsafe world. But common side effects are anxiety and its best friend, disordered behavior.
Kids whose parents use a more controlling approach are more likely to sneak, steal, hide, and lie. They tend to struggle with emotional regulation and frequently explode into tantrums or withdraw into isolation. These kids can be demanding and obstinate and reject great ideas and wonderful solutions. Oh no!
Leaning into control is common when we’re anxious about our kid’s health, and it may be necessary in certain limited circumstances. However, when we see negative side effects, it’s worth reconsidering our approach.
The alternative to control is supportive parenting, which will teach your child the essential skills they need to thrive.
Supportive parenting will help your child with:
Greater self-esteem and confidence
Better ability to emotionally self-regulate
Lower levels of anxiety and perfectionism
Reduction in disordered and disruptive behavior
Better conflict resolution skills
A clearer view of themselves and others
A more secure and trusting parent-child relationship
Improved ability to make and maintain friendships and relationships
We’re not responsible for our kids’ choices and behaviors—they’re their own people! But we can parent in ways that teach them to thrive.
Supportive parenting means setting clear expectations, helping your child meet them, and consistently upholding boundaries and consequences. It’s a firm, kind, and evidence-based parenting approach.
The switch to supportive parenting means you’ll have fewer power struggles, feel more connected, and breathe a sigh of relief, confident that you’ve got this. Let me know if you’d like some help!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
GUIDE + WORKBOOK: How To Set Supportive Expectations
Most people think the biggest challenge is that children can’t or won’t meet their parents’ expectations. But in fact, the biggest challenge is often that we haven’t clearly defined our expectations and don’t know how to provide the support, boundaries, and consequences to back them up. It’s hard!
In this 9-page guide and workbook, you’ll learn the five elements of supportive expectations and how to use them to solve your biggest parenting problems. You’ll see common examples and create your own supportive expectations to motivate change.