The difference between boundaries and demands
Boundaries are more effective than demands at motivating behavior change.
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
Today I wanted to talk about boundaries, because even though we hear about boundaries everywhere, most of what is presented as a personal boundary is actually a demand. And the difference matters, because while boundaries motivate behavior change, demands demotivate kids, especially when the stakes are high.
What’s the difference?
Boundaries are limits around your own emotions and behavior. As a parent, they ensure you uphold your values and maintain emotional regulation.
On the other hand, demands tell our children that they need to do something. Of course there are times when parents must make demands, but they should be used much more sparingly than making requests and setting boundaries.
Why?
Kids learn about what is safe by testing their parents’ boundaries. When we don’t hold our boundaries, we teach our children they are in control, which increases insecurity.
Also, boundaries motivate behavior change, while demands reduce motivation.
Boundaries are about your conduct, not your child’s. They outline what you are willing to accept or abstain from. They’re rooted in self-respect and self-care, emphasizing personal empowerment. On the other hand, demands are about changing your child’s beliefs and behavior.
Here’s a diagram showing the difference:
Setting and holding boundaries is an essential part of parenting, and it becomes even more important when you’re worried about your child’s mental health. Usually we make demands when we are really scared and don’t know what else to do. This makes sense, but boundaries are much more effective when we want to motivate our kids to change their behavior.
Often when a child is struggling with mental health, parents loosen their boundaries and walk on eggshells because they want their child feel better. But soon enough, it gets to be too much. Something snaps and parents switch from saying nothing to making demands. Unfortunately, this pattern is exhausting for the parent and demotivating for the child.
On the other hand, holding firm boundaries with someone who’s struggling with their mental health is key to helping them feel motivated. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary.
Benefits of parental boundaries:
Provide safety, structure, and guidance
Create interpersonal limits
Teach individual responsibility
Prevent the development of a victim mentality
Build identity and agency (the key to motivation)
Show your child how to participate in society
Build security and a sense of safety in the family
Finding the balance between demands and boundaries can be challenging. Let me know if you’d like some help!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
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