How You Can Motivate Your Child To Change
The truth about getting our kids to change what they're doing
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
Have you been trying to get your child to change their behavior? Perhaps they avoid socializing, hate going to school, use their phone compulsively, or have disordered exercise or eating patterns.
Whatever your child is doing, you see the problem clear as day and want to help them change … fast.
In this situation, most of us do what we assume will make the greatest impact quickly and efficiently. It’s what we see modeled on TV shows and movies. To get someone to change their behavior, we believe we need to convince them of the logic of why they need to change and tell them how to do it.
We believe there is a light switch somewhere inside our kid, and if we say just the right thing, they will be convinced that change is in their best interests and therefore do what it takes to make change happen.
We search for the light switch by:
Telling them what they should do
Explaining why they should do it
Giving them information and statistics
Attempting to persuade them
Negotiating with them
Confronting them with what they’re doing wrong
Begging and bribing them to do what we want them to do
When we don’t make progress, we try harder, searching for the right words to convince our kids to change. We think, “If only they would listen to what I’m saying, change would be easy.”
While this approach to motivating our kids to change their behavior is common and seems to make sense, it backfires. When we go with this common parenting approach to changing disordered behavior, the behavior often escalates, morphs into something else, or goes underground.
Unfortunately, convincing arguments don’t motivate lasting behavior change, and they can make it even harder because they spark feelings like:
Angry
Agitated
Oppositional
Defensive
Helpless
Overwhelmed
Ashamed
Trapped
Disengaged
Dissociated
These feelings are demotivating and predict rebellion, resistance, rejection, and depression. Ugh. I know.
The good news is that you have a tremendous impact on your child’s motivation. It’s just a matter of understanding how it works and adjusting your approach.
Behavior change isn’t motivated by education, lecturing, and convincing. Instead, begin by understanding what’s driving your child’s disordered behavior, change how you talk about what they’re doing, and uphold expectations and boundaries while honoring your child’s autonomy.
Changing how we motivate our kids to change takes effort, but it leads to big results. Let me know if you’d like some help getting started!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
Guide + Workbook: How To Motivate Behavior Change
You’re trying to motivate your child to change their behavior, but you’re not getting the results you’re looking for. This guide and workbook will help you motivate your child to make positive changes.