How to help your child feel less lonely
Loneliness is a big issue for today's kids; here are some ways parents can help
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
As you’ve probably heard, rates of loneliness have skyrocketed. I wanted to address loneliness today in case you’re worried about your child’s social life right now.
The most important thing to consider is that, by definition, loneliness is healed in relationships with other people. Whether it’s one person or a group, relationships are the key to ending loneliness. And that’s exactly what makes it so hard, because when your child is lonely, they’re less likely to make friends, which would make them feel less lonely. It’s a conundrum!
Luckily, your child doesn’t have to start by making a new friend (though of course that would be great!). It’s OK to start with your family and build from there. Begin by looking for ways to increase family connection and belonging, which will help your child gain the confidence they need to connect with peers.
There are three types of loneliness:
1. Psychological loneliness is when your child feels as if they don’t have a close friend in whom they can confide. There’s nobody they can trust with their deepest thoughts and feelings, or whom they can turn to in times of stress and worry to share their concerns or just let off a little steam.
2. Societal loneliness is when a child is being teased, bullied, or excluded for a characteristic like gender, race, disability, or weight. This is when larger social issues come home to roost.
3. Existential, also called spiritual loneliness, is the loneliness a person feels when they are disconnected from themselves. In other words, they can’t even turn to themselves for comfort, compassion, and company.
As I’m sure you can imagine, some kids experience more than one type of loneliness. And unfortunately, loneliness tends to increase over time without intentional effort and engagement in social experiences.
If your child is experiencing societal loneliness, they may need an adult to intervene and get the other kids to change their behavior or move the child to a different environment where they won’t be “othered.”
Societal loneliness causes extreme stress over time, as humans evolved to live in groups of like-minded people who accept us. Being actively shunned or ostracized is one of the worst experiences a human being can have, so intervention is important.
If your child is experiencing existential loneliness, a therapist can help them reconnect with themselves and build self-compassion. The symptoms of existential loneliness can be hard to spot, but take a minute to think about how your child speaks to and about themselves.
Are they typically kind to themselves when something goes wrong, or do you hear harsh self-talk? If it’s the latter, your child will benefit from professional support and family support to build self-compassion.
Kids who have eating disorders and other mental health conditions are more likely to experience existential loneliness, and they benefit tremendously from building a healing relationship with themselves. You can help them by modeling self-compassion and sharing your admiration and affection for them regularly.
Psychological loneliness is the most common type of loneliness and is becoming more common among young people for many reasons. Of course social media and gaming both contribute to and exacerbate psychological loneliness.
But other social factors like kids no longer playing outside with each other or going over to neighbors’ homes without making a playdate also make socialization harder for today’s kids and teens. Like all types of loneliness, you can help your child feel less lonely. Here are some ideas:
1. Build family belonging and connection. Our kids are increasingly isolated from each other, but they still live in a home with us. Social skills are learned and practiced with the people closest to us. Nurture emotionally close relationships between and among the people living in your home. The closer your child feels with you and other family members, the more confidence they’ll have to build peer relationships.
Find ways to increase and improve the quality of family experiences. Try to get everyone off their devices and do something that requires active engagement with each other regularly to build your child’s social skills and emotional safety, both of which are required to heal from loneliness.
2. Talk about social skills. If you grew up with lots of friends and never thought about how you got them in your life, your childhood environment likely looked very different from your child’s. It’s no longer as natural and easy for kids to connect, so it helps if you teach your child how to identify and approach potential friends. It’s risky for a kid without friends to seek friends, but your support and guidance can help them get out there with more confidence.
One good way to do this is to use TV characters as a starting point to talk about how people build friendships, the importance of taking risks, and the art of conversation.
3. Encourage socialization, particularly when it’s in-person. If your child is lonely, they’re probably pulling back from and avoiding social engagements. This is an unfortunate symptom of loneliness, but you can help by supporting your child in going to family events and outings with other people.
Even if your child resists, you can encourage them to go with your support. Socializing takes exposure and practice, and learning to tolerate the discomfort of doing this is key.
These are just a few things to start thinking about if you’re worried your child is lonely.
Just keep in mind that lonely people tend to get lonelier because loneliness makes them increasingly anxious in social environments. But with your help, your child can feel better. If you can support your child in building connections at home and beyond, you could make a big difference in their life. Let me know if you’d like some more ideas for how to do this!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
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