How to get closer when your child is pulling away
What parents can do when kids are struggling with mental health
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
Most kids who are struggling with mental health issues pull away from the very people who would be most helpful in feeling better. There are some complicated reasons for this, but we’re highly-social animals, and ultimately all of us need other people to feel good. And our kids have a deep, primal need to feel close to their parents in particular.
I’m sure you know this, and I’m sure you want to be close to your child! It’s so hard when kids pull away and shut us out. Sometimes it can feel impossible to give them the care and support they need because they keep pushing us away.
Loving a child who’s struggling can feel like trying to pet a hedgehog—those spines are sharp! I wanted to give you a few ideas for connecting with a child who is pulling away and struggling with their mental health. I know a simple list can’t solve everything, but hopefully it will give you some ideas for getting started.
1. Understand why you want to get closer
First, get clear about why you want to get closer with your child. Part of it is that it will feel good for you—of course it will! But the other part is that it’s important to your child’s mental health.
Kids who are struggling with mental health issues tend to dismiss and reject their parents’ best attempts to help. Withstanding that rejection and staying steady on your mission to connect might be easier if you understand that you’re not trying to annoy them or doing it to make yourself feel better. Connecting with your child is one of the best ways you can support their mental health.
Close parent-child relationships are protective and strengthening for our kids and are a cornerstone of their mental health. Very few kids who are struggling respond well to their parents’ attempts to connect—those spines are sharp! But once they’re out of the woods those same kids say they appreciated their parents’ efforts in their worst moments. Cold comfort, I know. But it helps to keep the long-game in mind.
2. Make daily mini-bids for connection
A bid for connection is a small way to reach out and show your child you care and are thinking about them. Many of us think in terms of grand gestures, and these are nice but have limited effectiveness in long-term parent-child connection. Instead, think of the little things you can do to try and connect with your child every day.
Things like making their favorite pancakes, making their bed up with fresh sheets after a particularly rough night, going for a walk around the block with them, or watching a favorite show together. Each child is different, so the things you choose to do will vary, but the point is that these small acts of love and care show your child you want to connect. I’ve created a printable list of some ideas for bids for connection.
When repeated daily, with no expectation of an immediate payoff, mini-bids for connection build trust and connection in your relationship over time.
3. Don’t avoid conflict
I know this is a weird thing to say, but one of the best things we can do in a relationship is engage in productive conflict. When we avoid conflict and walk on eggshells we get further and further away from each other.
Productive conflict is key to a close relationship. It happens when people have a disagreement, discuss it, and resolve it, repairing any ruptures as needed.
Most people think of conflict as yelling and screaming, and it’s true that your child might do those things. But as the parent, you can stay regulated and mature when you have difficult conversations and set boundaries with your child.
Engaging in conflict doesn’t have to mean arguments and blowups—at least on your side, which is all you can control anyway. It may feel bad at the moment, but productive conflict has long-term benefits because it increases connection and security in your relationship.
A child whose parents avoid conflict because they’re afraid of the child’s reactions is less secure and less happy than those who do.
Productive conflict in the parent-child relationship builds connection and mental health. Yes, your child may respond with anger, rage, sadness, or withdrawal. That’s OK! Maintain your compassion and hold onto your own temper. Resolving conflict is an important opportunity to get closer to your child.
Let me know if you’d like some help with this!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
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