How to eat dinner when tensions are high
Help your family reclaim emotional regulation and enjoy eating again
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
When tensions get high at the dinner table, it’s hard to eat. The sooner you can bring your family back to a state of emotional regulation, the better everyone will feel. But of course this is really challenging, especially when you have a child who’s struggling with eating right now.
When we’re emotionally regulated we feel calm, connected, and open to each other. This is when the dinner table feels peaceful and harmonious. Of course small issues may come up, but you don’t feel completely overwhelmed by them.
But when a child is having issues with eating, they can quickly get emotionally dysregulated because of what you’ve served, something you’ve said, or just the fact that you’re asking them to eat at the table. When this happens, the table becomes the last place anyone wants to be. But there are ways you can help get things back on track.
Emotions are highly contagious, especially within a family. As soon as one person is triggered, we can fall like dominoes into emotional agitation and/or withdrawal.
The first thing to know is that in the history of problems, no problem has ever been well-solved if the people solving it are emotionally dysregulated. If you’re dealing with emotional dysregulation it’s a good idea to slow things down and try to get everyone back on track.
“With people fast is slow and slow is fast.” —Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Here are some ideas for when tensions get high at the table:
1. Slow down. Of course we want to move quickly from tension to resolution, but the very act of rushing makes us less likely to succeed. Slow down and observe what’s going on.
Let’s say your child says “I hate potatoes.”
Zoom out and think about the larger patterns at play.
For example, maybe this child often complains about carbs, then you try to convince them they’re delicious, then your partner complains because they just want everything to be easygoing, then your younger child cries because everyone is stressed.
Emotional dysregulation is about patterns, not details, and pay attention to each person’s role in the dynamic.
2. Seek connection. When tensions are high we often say and do things that accidentally create more disconnection and dysregulation. For example, we might say “just eat your potatoes, they’re good for you,” in an attempt to speed things up and settle things down.
But emotional connection is the only way we ever solve problems. So when we try to skip over people’s emotions we accidentally slow things down and create further dysregulation.
Instead, find a way to emotionally connect by saying things like “what I’m hearing is you’re upset that I’ve served potatoes tonight,” or “it sounds like you don’t feel like eating potatoes right now.”
3. Set boundaries. As the parent, you are responsible for setting and upholding boundaries at the table. You can say things like “I understand that you’re upset about these potatoes right now, and I’m happy to talk about other options for dinner tomorrow, but this is what’s for dinner tonight.”
Don’t get sucked into extensive conversations about potatoes. Just set your boundary and move onto other topics. The more you try to convince your child that potatoes are delicious, the more dysregulated they will become.
4. Take a break if needed. If tensions have escalated and everyone’s close to (or already) melting down completely, you’re at risk of further disconnecting and damaging relationships. The best thing might be intentionally taking an emotional regulation break.
An effective break is about 20-30 minutes. Shorter and you risk more emotional dysregulation; longer and you risk abandoning dinner altogether, which can create more problems down the line.
Announce an emotional regulation break, set a time to return to the table, and help yourself and your child find a way back to emotional regulation.
Let me know if you’d like some help with this!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
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