How To Calm Your Alarmđ§Ż
and teach your kid to feel calmer, too!
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
How many times in your life have you been told you should âjustâ calm down?
How often do you say something like âJust calm down so we can talk about this rationally!â?
If youâre anything like me, itâs a lot!
Most of us have been told to calm down and desperately tried to lower the temperature of someone elseâs emotional state so we can have a rational, reasonable, logical conversation.
It makes perfect sense, after all.
Brain scans show that when weâre alarmed and upset, weâre flooded by adrenaline and cortisol, and the ability to think calmly and rationally goes out the window in favor of short-term, urgent, life-saving efforts.
Our brains detect threats and our bodies react.
This unconscious, automatic, and instant disconnection of our logical brains in favor of the drive to fight, run away, or hide makes perfect sense if youâre under imminent threat from a lion, but less so when youâre stuck in traffic and worried about being late for an appointment.
Imagine a lion is chasing you. Itâs right behind you, breathing down your neck. Do you stop and wonder to yourself what your best next step is? Do you create a strategic plan?
No!
Your instincts kick in and you run as fast as you can!
These instincts are perfectly designed for the dangers of the open plains and dense forests our ancestors occupied.
But they are often liabilities in the modern landscape.
Our nervous systems react similarly to the real threat of a lion breathing down our neck, seeing vivid images that evoke feelings of being chased, or even just imagining it. They FREAK OUT!
Our scrappy, survivalist nervous system is primed for instant action in response to threats, but in our modern lives, the threats we face rarely call for a fight, flight, or freeze response. Rather, most situations call for calm, reasoned, strategic thought and action.
When our kids are struggling, our bodies and brains naturally go into a threat response state, flooding us with cortisol and adrenaline.
Itâs natural to worry, stress, and think about the risks our kids face. But it can have consequences. Maybe you have trouble concentrating, sleeping, and eating. Perhaps youâre exhausted and always feel on edge. You may see threats everywhere, and canât imagine a way out.
I get it.
Youâre a loving, wonderful parent desperate to help your kid.
But at the same time, youâre stuck in a threat response state, which makes it hard to do the long-term strategy and action of recovery.
Learning to regulate your threat response system so you can think clearly and plan ahead for recovery is key when youâre dealing with complicated mental and behavioral disorders.
Our threat response system is a feature of our neurobiology, not a flaw. However, because the environment we live in doesnât resemble the environment in which the human brain evolved, we easily get stuck in alarm when we would rather use our strategic, planning brain.
To help ourselves (and our kids!) calm down, we want to separate urgent threats from important but not urgent threats. From this state, we can respond instead of react.
With practice, we can learn to differentiate threats and regulate our nervous system. We can calm our alarm and make conscious, reasoned choices from a regulated state. Note that this is completely different from suppressing alarm and presenting false calm, which unfortunately keeps us stuck.
The best news is that when we truly regulate our emotions, we supercharge recovery.
A child struggling with anxiety, depression, body image issues, or an eating disorder is living in a constant threat state, which drives their thoughts and behaviors. When you learn to regulate your threat response, youâll lower the temperature in your household and help your child self-regulate.
When you calm your nervous system in the face of an important but not urgent threat, you increase your childâs ability to self-regulate. Let me know if youâd like some help with this!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
GUIDE + WORKBOOK: Calm The Threat Response System
If you and your child are suffering the effects of an over-active, triggered, or stuck threat response system, itâs important to understand how our nervous systems detect threats and practice responding and regulating rather than reacting. This 12-page guide and workbook will take you through the four things that trigger the threat response system and an activity to help you regulate yourself when activated so you can respond, not react.