High Standards And High Support Helps Kids Thrive
Balancing these two elements makes all the difference
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well.
As we head into a new school year, many of us are thinking about how to talk to our kids about academic standards and expectations.
At one extreme, parents set high standards of achievement but stay out of the process of achieving the expectations.
At the other end, parent encourage their kids to do their best but don’t set standards or expectations because they want to avoid anxiety, arguments, and meltdowns.
It’s hard to figure out how to balance standards with support, especially if your child has anxiety, depression, negative body image, an eating disorder, or other mental health challenges. That’s why many of the parents I work with hope for the best but walk on eggshells, living in a state of fear and frustration, desperate to help but not sure how.
Luckily, there is a proven formula for helping kids thrive. It’s a combination of high standards and high support.
Standards are the expectations we put in place around behavior. They include things like eating at the table, not hitting people, doing chores, bathing, and turning in schoolwork on time.
Support is the structure we put in place to make the standards achievable. They typically include things like parental monitoring, encouragement, guidance, and professionals like therapists, tutors, and coaches.
Whether we’re looking at academics, sports, or mental health and recovery, our kids do best when they have a combination of high standards and high support.
If the gap between our standards and support is too small or too large, kids either give up or fight against their own best interests. Being strategic with our standards and support builds a bridge between struggling and thriving.
Having high standards and high support is what we call authoritative parenting. Authoritative parents have high expectations for their children's behavior and academic performance and provide the support and resources they need to succeed.
They set clear rules and guidelines, and explain the reasons behind disciplinary actions.
Authoritative parents are also nurturing and responsive, but they are not permissive or passive. They’re emotionally literate and act as emotion coaches. They encourage frequent communication about and openly engage in difficult conversations about their standards and expectations.
When I work with parents on sticky issues like school attendance and performance and even stickier issues like substance use, eating disorders, and self-harm, I almost always find the path to success and recovery in increasing both standards and support.
You may worry about having high expectations when your child is struggling with anxiety, negative body image, an eating disorder, or another mental health challenge. I get it, and we do need to be thoughtful about the standards we set!
But keep in mind that kids thrive when parents set appropriately high standards combined with personalized support.
If we strike the right balance with high standards and high support, things will get better and easier for everyone—not at first, because setting high standards can be challenging, but faster than you think.
It doesn’t take a lot of money to provide the right balance of standards and support for our kids, but it does require most of us to learn new skills. With the right support, I know you can do it. If you’d like some help, I’m here for you!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
Coaching Notes
Here are some stories from the last few weeks of my coaching sessions with parents who have kids with anxiety, eating, and body image issues:
My client was proud of her son for passing the classes he failed during the school year in summer school. At the same time his eating disorder recovery, which she worried would suffer as a result of the pressure, stayed on track. She is proud of her ability to set clear standards and provide him with the support he needed to reach his goals. Both of them are heading into the school year feeling stronger and closer.
I helped my client lean into uncomfortable conversations she’d been avoiding with her stepdaughter and husband about the family’s disordered eating behavior. This is tricky due to longstanding family dynamics and her role, but she’s gaining confidence and upholding positive interpersonal boundaries.
Standards + Support For Mental Health
Help your child by setting high standards and providing high levels of support. This guide and workbook gives you information about how to set standards and support when your child has an eating disorder. Balancing these things is hard work, but it’s an important investment in your child’s recovery and will help them thrive over time.
Paid Subscribers: Click the button below to get your printable and start parenting with more confidence today.