Conflict Is A Path To Connection♥️

Productive conflict deepens relationships and paves the way to recovery

Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well.

Many of my clients who have kids with issues like anxiety, depression, negative body image, and eating disorders struggle with constant conflict and tension. It feels like every day is another exhausting battle of wills.

So how is it possible that conflict is a path to connection?

In surprising but true research, psychologists have found that productive conflict deepens relationships and increases connection.

You’re probably thinking to yourself “Ginny, you’re wrong! The conflict we’re having is making things worse, not better!”

I get it — many of us get into patterns of unproductive conflict. The good news is that you can change the pattern, improve your relationship with your child, and motivate recovery.

Relationships are a dance, and unproductive conflict follows similar steps. When we change our steps, conflict goes from devastating to productive.

Rather than avoiding or dreading conflict, we can embrace it as an opportunity to deepen trust and connection in our relationship.

Here are some reasons why conflict is important for healthy relationships based on research from Julie and John Gottman.

1. Promotes better communication: Productive conflict helps our kids learn to express their needs, desires, and feelings. This leads to a better understanding of themselves and gives them the crucial skills they need to feel confident and secure.

2. Avoids the elephant in the room: Unresolved issues fester and drive a wedge between you and your child. Productive conflict allows you to resolve issues before they escalate into deeper emotional problems and bigger relationship rifts.

3. Strengthens emotional bonds: Respectfully working through disagreements shows your child that you’re committed to their health and wellbeing. Listening to your child during conflict without losing your temper increases their feelings of trust and confidence that you’ve got their back.

4. Encourages personal growth: Conflict with parents allows children to better understand their own needs, values, and boundaries. Your child will learn to navigate difficult emotions, assert themselves, and develop empathy. This personal growth translates into more fulfilling and balanced relationships with themselves, you, and others.

5. Predicts relationship satisfaction: How you engage in conflict is a major predictor of relationship satisfaction for everyone in your family. Kids whose parents engage in productive conflict report higher levels of happiness and stability.

If you find yourself stuck in unproductive conflicts with your child, just remember this: when you change your steps, you change everything!

Here are the common steps that lead to unproductive conflict and quick counter-moves to change the dance.

The Blame Game

• If you would only listen to me we wouldn't be fighting

• If you hadn’t done that, this wouldn’t have happened

• You’re making this harder than it has to be

💡Instead, use "I" statements to assert your expectations and boundaries.

The Kitchen Sink

• You always do this

• You never say sorry

• This is just like last week when you forgot …

💡Instead, avoid the words “always” and “never”

Yelling and Getting Defensive

• Raising your voice

• Cutting your child off mid-sentence

• Over-explaining your point of view instead of listening

💡Instead, pause, take a deep breath, and focus on active listening.

Making Assumptions

• You're just trying to get your way

• I already know what you're going to say

• You're manipulating me because you want …

💡Instead, ask for clarification using curious, open-ended questions.

Stonewalling

• Leaving the room angrily

• Not responding to questions or requests

• Turning off your facial expressions

💡Instead, kindly tell your child you need a break from the conversation, but commit to continuing it later.

Productive conflict provides a rich opportunity for growth, communication, problem-solving, and emotional connection. Learning to navigate it builds understanding and trust in your relationship and lays the foundation for recovery. Let me know if you’d like some help with this!

Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org

Turn Conflict Into Connection

In this 12-page parent guide + workbook, you’ll learn the difference between productive and unproductive conflict and explore five common pathways of unproductive conflict. Start having productive conflict and connect with your child so you can help them recover from disordered behavior.