Building a positive relationship with food
You can help your child feel calmer and more confident and regulated with food
Hello! I hope you and your family are doing well!
Today I wanted to talk about your child’s relationship with food. I thought I’d start by sharing some of the signs that someone has a positive relationship with food.
Please keep in mind that each person’s relationship with food is deeply personal and intimate. We’re not all the same, and not everyone has the same taste preferences, hunger cues, or appetite.
The goal is not to have a child who eats everything, but rather a child who is fairly comfortable with food most of the time and typically eats in a regulated manner, enough to sustain mental and physical health.
If your child isn’t there right now, there’s hope! While eating issues are complex, there’s a lot parents can do to help their kids have a more positive relationship with food.
What does a positive relationship with food look like?
Your child eats enough food regularly, which typically means eating about every 2-5 hours and doesn't swing erratically between extreme levels of feeling over-hungry or over-full.
While your child has preferences and aversions to certain foods (everyone does!) they don’t get in the way of physical health or being able to participate in social experiences like going to restaurants or parties.
Your child is usually able to eat something wherever they are, even if it’s not exactly what they want to eat.
While your child has preferences and aversions, they are not emotionally or physically alarmed, angry, or terrified when served non-preferred food.
Your child isn’t getting hangry all the time and when they do get over-hungry they’re able to eat enough to get regulated again relatively quickly.
Meals with your child are generally relaxed and pleasant, not disruptive and chaotic.
Keep in mind that more than 1 in 5 children and teens have some form of disordered eating, so you’re not alone if your child doesn’t currently have a positive relationship with food. The good news is that there is hope, and you can help!
If you’re worried about your child’s relationship with food, the first thing to do is ask for a physical evaluation. Unfortunately, most physicians are not experts in eating disorders. If you believe your child might have an eating disorder, especially if it looks different from what most people think of when they think of an eating disorder, ask your child’s doctor to reference the “Purple Guide” from the Academy for Eating Disorders.
The professionals who most often work directly with kids/teens on disordered eating patterns are Registered Dietitians (RDs) and therapists. When looking for a professional, seek someone who has specific training, multiple client experiences, and professional supervision working with eating disorders, specifically with your child’s age and gender. I recommend professionals who use a non-diet approach to health (here’s why).
Beyond professional support, you can help your child’s relationship with food by improving your own relationship with food. Kids pick up on how we feel about food and weight, and it has a significant impact on how they feel about eating and their body. You might want to get a few coaching sessions to learn about Intuitive Eating, which is an evidence-based path to a positive relationship with food and greater health outcomes for ourselves and our kids.
It’s OK to set certain expectations around your child’s behavior at the table. For example, your child should be able to politely decline a non-preferred food, but you can ask them not to “yuck your yum” with words like “disgusting” or “gross,” which affects the eating experience for everyone else.
However, if you want to comment on your child’s eating behaviors, such as what, how much, how fast, and whether they should eat, I recommend working with a professional coach, RD, or therapist, since this is a very tricky parenting task in our current climate.
So this is my letter of encouragement to you. Our society is pretty harmful when it comes to food, but you’re important. You matter. And I’m so glad you’re here! Let me know if you’d like some help with this!
Ginny Jones Parent Coach / More-Love.org
Printable Worksheets: Mindfulness, Emotional Regulation, and Emotional Literacy
These worksheets will help your child build emotional regulation skills by teaching self-compassion, emotional literacy, mindfulness, and more. These worksheets can be completed alone, but it’s even better when done with a calm, confident parent. Consider sitting near your child while they’re completing these worksheets. Even if you aren’t participating directly, having you nearby will allow them to co-regulate with your calm nervous system, which will help them stay relaxed and engaged. Learn More
Love this, and I can say we're mostly hitting the mark in all of these. As a mother who has two children with eating disorders, it's a blessing when they eat.